David Bahnsen Announces Candidacy for President – Promises $1 Billion to Each Inhabitant

It is with great excitement and pride as a citizen of planet earth that I announce my intention to serve as President of the United States. Candidates come and go and campaign promises come and go, but few candidates have ever been so bold, so humane, and so fair, as to offer up this as their key campaign platform: If you elect me President, I will give you $1 billion. I will give $1 billion to everyone.

We have lived with gross income inequalities for too long. It is time to even the playing field. The problem is, I don’t know how to get people to start being more productive, so I am giving up on that thing, and instead focusing on what we really need – what is really our divine right: cold, hard cash. My Presidency will turn from the failed and tired policies of George W. Bush, and instead will give $1 billion to every single man, woman, and child. Critics have already surfaced questioning the economic wisdom of this offer, and to them I say: “Enough of the old-style politics”. Others have said this is fiscally reckless, and to them I say, “Thou shalt not bear false witness”. My wife wants to be proud of this country again, and that will happen as soon as 300,000,000 people – not 3,000 people – can say, “I am a billionaire”. Gone are the corporate tax loopholes where people try to cheat the system to make millions of dollars. Who wants to manipulate their way to a couple million bucks when Uncle Sam will give them $1 billion – right away!

The rat race is over, my friends. With $1 billion in your pocket, your vertically mobile ambitions can go to the ash-heap of history alongside Adam Smith and Ronald Reagan. No longer will a student graduate from college, get in his four-year old BMW, and say to himself on the way to the bar, “Oh my, I have a student loan bill next month.” Gone will be the days of applying for jobs and working for a boss who does not even remember your name, no matter how many times you have emailed him a Tiger Woods joke. The new normal is in, and the new normal stands for one thing: Equality of mankind. Equality of billion-dollar estates. A government not there for the few, but for every single person.

Few are called, but all are chosen. $1 billion. David Bahnsen for President. It is your human right.